Spanks is my friend from San Antonio. Her real name is not Spanks, but since late 2002 that is all I have called her. Very recently Spanks had a birthday, and very recently I forgot to call and wish Spanks Happy Birthday. I know exactly when Spanks’ birthday is. I have always known when her birthday is. The problem is, I did not know until I got my Trinity Alumnet email today that we were already in June. As soon as school ended last week I lost complete track of the calendar and my mind. Therefore, consider this post an extended happy birthday letter to Spanks (and America because I include you in everything, America).
Some things to know about Spanks:
1. She has a dog named Spanks.
2. She is into only the very coolest music. You can bet that if you hear a cool song on a TV commercial today she was listening to it on her iPod over a year ago. And if you go on a car trip with Spanks, please do not bring your own music. It is unnecessary and you will feel bad that you even considered trying to play it.
3. Spanks is the best decorator in America. Nate Berkus could learn a thing or two from Spanks. Spanks is also very good at making sure pictures are level and hung properly. Spanks is also an expert house painter and has saved the day many times through her precise and detailed house painting abilities–including the time when I made her go over to my newly purchased home to paint the bathroom before the movers arrived with my furniture.
4. Spanks loves car air-fresheners. You might believe that your vehicle smells good. It does not. You need an air-freshener, and Spanks can help you pick one out that both matches the interior of your car and has a smell consistent with your values and personality.
5. Spanks is a brilliant historian. If you need to know something that happened to somebody ancient in China 3,000 years ago, Spanks can hook you up. In fact, she cannot only tell you what happened, she’ll make you feel like you were there…in ancient China…when the stuff was happening.
6. Spanks can dance. If you need some serious dancing to be done, you need to call Spanks. She will provide her own music and create moves that even Julia Louis-Dryfus would not be able to duplicate.
7. If you upset Spanks, she will hit you. But you deserved it.
8. Spanks is an awesome friend. If you need someone to drive around town with you in the middle of the night with the windows open and the music blasting because you are sad, Spanks will be there in an instant. If you need someone to feed your cat while you are out of the country for six weeks, Spanks will make sure your cat is fed, your plants are watered, and your mail is not stolen by identity thieves. You can always count on Spanks.
9. Everything Spanks does is cool. Her house is cool. Her bangs are cool. Her necklaces are cool (and she made them herself). Her car is cool. Her friends are cool (and she has a charity program where she befriends nerds (me) and tries to introduce them to cool environments). Her dog is cool (and surprisingly aggressive). The books she reads are cool. Her plates and bowls are cool. Her lawn decorations are cool. Her hobbies are cool. I am pretty sure her uncles are the Dos Equis guy and Chuck Norris.
10. Spanks will not forget your birthday. In fact she will make you a really cool iTunes mix of music that everyone else will be listening to in a year.
Obviously I am no where near the woman Spanks is. Fortunately, she is my friend. And, America, I just wanted you all to know that Spanks was born, and she lives, and she makes the world a better place. Also, she is really good at using bangs to emphasize important points in conversations. Most people can’t even handle bangs, and virtually no one can use them as a rhetorical device. Spanks can.
So consider yourself schooled, America. Spanks lives. I am a knucklehead. That is all.